I am a heartless bitch

When they come they get me whole but as they go they take a piece of me away…

That’s what I always felt for years, but not anymore. If you have been reading my previous posts, you’d see they are all way back when I was growing up as a teenager. Now let me zoom to the present before I continue with my past adventures.

When I distanced myself with Kevin, my boyfriend who was 11 years older than me and turned out to be married, I told myself that I’m going to be okay. I was young and I never really loved him anyway. Or maybe I was just denying it to myself. Maybe I really did. I started to doubt what love really meant. And I tried to determine when I do feel this towards somebody. But I fail myself in so many ways. I felt empty. Not heartbroken, not emotional, not satisfied. Just, blank. In fact, in realization, I do not feel anything at all.

Then, there came other boys who lurked around my life and my body. Like unforgettable Lloyd, who, reinvented the word sex for me. Some other boys stayed for a while, some just passed by. And each time one left, I felt they were taking a piece of me with them. And on the brink of falling, of loosing myself completely, I met Eddy.

Eddy turned my world inside out. He has a way with time and power to make it stop. And the world revolved around us. Time was in a capsule and we were its guardians. I went back to question love and my emotions. I said way too often that I love him, but honestly I do not feel it. Or can’t remember (now) when I really did.

His tragic life made me see myself in a better place. Being with him and hearing his melancholic stories of his family and himself, made me relieved in a way. I felt that I was not the most pitiful of souls. I guess growing up with so much pent up emotions made me feel trapped. And when I met him I found my way out. But most importantly, knowing that he needed me, made me feel that I was not alone. So, I made him my mission in life. I promised myself that I would lift his spirit and make him live again. I was determined to pull him out of his shell and see that there is something to smile and laugh about. But as months pass, years came in a flash. And it was thunders that woke me up every morning.

The more I lift him, the more I was unconsciously being pulled down. I didn’t know then, and my mind was so blocked by his radiance, that while he slowly comes to life, he was draining me of mine. He was sucking out the energy in me. And when all my energy was gone, he was bound to get my soul. And I let him. I allowed him to take everything. I saw how he transcended into a new man, head held high, reinvented, renewed. But there I was in the background, lifeless, emotionless. I hear him say how useless, stupid and worthless I was, too often that I actually felt sure to myself that he was right.

He would beat me up and shout at the most minuscule of things that everything was not perfectly done the way he liked it to be. And what he like is what should be. He restricted me from seeing my friends, my family, and myself. He made me think that he was only protecting me and our relationship.
And as the beatings left but only marks to my skin, all the physical and mental abuse have emptied the abyss of my soul. I thought it best to leave. But on every attempt, a deceitful promise of change blinds me. In this, I permitted him take me even deeper. My innocence was taken away, and my crave for pain remained. Yes, I craved for pain, for anything that would make me feel. I wanted to feel at least something, even if it meant pain, just to know if I was still alive.

My physical and mental strength, my energy, my spirit were all drained until all I have left are my thoughts, the last and the only thing he can’t take away from me. My thoughts, who refused to know how to feel. Who, denied emotions to enter and overrule me. That until now, after 5 years, it still clouds me within.

I stopped caring the day I stepped out of my house to go to him. Every emotion after that was superficial. It was the passion of fleeting a dark world that he used to draw me to him. And under the rain, carrying my bags of clothes, I left everything else for him. I later realized that that rain was the last cleansing of my being, preparing my soul to thread the depths of eternal torture.

With a bright sunny day, I finally left him. A kick to my back and bruises to my thighs and arms all in one instance was the last straw. Days, months, years, I was waiting for rain, for a tear to shed for him. But, none. Not even anger, not hatred, not pity. Nothing.

It has been 14 years now since I first held eyes on him. And how I regret the day I let him into my life, and into my soul. I am with somebody now who I know loves me as he loves life. But I feel I’m being unfair, for I refuse to believe and to accept, that such love ever exists. And I am unfair to not love him enough. Frankly, I think I do not feel anything to anyone. No hatred, no fear, no passion. All that is in me is emptiness, soulless, and heartless.

All those men who passed by my way.. Now it’s time to take a piece of them with me… (to be continued…)

So, you think that’s tragic? Err, Happy Ass-mouth-pussy-all-at-the-same-time-Fucking Valentines everyone!!! Don’t forget the condoms!