I am a heartless bitch

When they come they get me whole but as they go they take a piece of me away…

That’s what I always felt for years, but not anymore. If you have been reading my previous posts, you’d see they are all way back when I was growing up as a teenager. Now let me zoom to the present before I continue with my past adventures.

When I distanced myself with Kevin, my boyfriend who was 11 years older than me and turned out to be married, I told myself that I’m going to be okay. I was young and I never really loved him anyway. Or maybe I was just denying it to myself. Maybe I really did. I started to doubt what love really meant. And I tried to determine when I do feel this towards somebody. But I fail myself in so many ways. I felt empty. Not heartbroken, not emotional, not satisfied. Just, blank. In fact, in realization, I do not feel anything at all.

Then, there came other boys who lurked around my life and my body. Like unforgettable Lloyd, who, reinvented the word sex for me. Some other boys stayed for a while, some just passed by. And each time one left, I felt they were taking a piece of me with them. And on the brink of falling, of loosing myself completely, I met Eddy.

Eddy turned my world inside out. He has a way with time and power to make it stop. And the world revolved around us. Time was in a capsule and we were its guardians. I went back to question love and my emotions. I said way too often that I love him, but honestly I do not feel it. Or can’t remember (now) when I really did.

His tragic life made me see myself in a better place. Being with him and hearing his melancholic stories of his family and himself, made me relieved in a way. I felt that I was not the most pitiful of souls. I guess growing up with so much pent up emotions made me feel trapped. And when I met him I found my way out. But most importantly, knowing that he needed me, made me feel that I was not alone. So, I made him my mission in life. I promised myself that I would lift his spirit and make him live again. I was determined to pull him out of his shell and see that there is something to smile and laugh about. But as months pass, years came in a flash. And it was thunders that woke me up every morning.

The more I lift him, the more I was unconsciously being pulled down. I didn’t know then, and my mind was so blocked by his radiance, that while he slowly comes to life, he was draining me of mine. He was sucking out the energy in me. And when all my energy was gone, he was bound to get my soul. And I let him. I allowed him to take everything. I saw how he transcended into a new man, head held high, reinvented, renewed. But there I was in the background, lifeless, emotionless. I hear him say how useless, stupid and worthless I was, too often that I actually felt sure to myself that he was right.

He would beat me up and shout at the most minuscule of things that everything was not perfectly done the way he liked it to be. And what he like is what should be. He restricted me from seeing my friends, my family, and myself. He made me think that he was only protecting me and our relationship.
And as the beatings left but only marks to my skin, all the physical and mental abuse have emptied the abyss of my soul. I thought it best to leave. But on every attempt, a deceitful promise of change blinds me. In this, I permitted him take me even deeper. My innocence was taken away, and my crave for pain remained. Yes, I craved for pain, for anything that would make me feel. I wanted to feel at least something, even if it meant pain, just to know if I was still alive.

My physical and mental strength, my energy, my spirit were all drained until all I have left are my thoughts, the last and the only thing he can’t take away from me. My thoughts, who refused to know how to feel. Who, denied emotions to enter and overrule me. That until now, after 5 years, it still clouds me within.

I stopped caring the day I stepped out of my house to go to him. Every emotion after that was superficial. It was the passion of fleeting a dark world that he used to draw me to him. And under the rain, carrying my bags of clothes, I left everything else for him. I later realized that that rain was the last cleansing of my being, preparing my soul to thread the depths of eternal torture.

With a bright sunny day, I finally left him. A kick to my back and bruises to my thighs and arms all in one instance was the last straw. Days, months, years, I was waiting for rain, for a tear to shed for him. But, none. Not even anger, not hatred, not pity. Nothing.

It has been 14 years now since I first held eyes on him. And how I regret the day I let him into my life, and into my soul. I am with somebody now who I know loves me as he loves life. But I feel I’m being unfair, for I refuse to believe and to accept, that such love ever exists. And I am unfair to not love him enough. Frankly, I think I do not feel anything to anyone. No hatred, no fear, no passion. All that is in me is emptiness, soulless, and heartless.

All those men who passed by my way.. Now it’s time to take a piece of them with me… (to be continued…)

So, you think that’s tragic? Err, Happy Ass-mouth-pussy-all-at-the-same-time-Fucking Valentines everyone!!! Don’t forget the condoms!

Step-Daddy’s Little Girl (Part I)

Meeting Eddy

Growing up catching my step dad masturbate almost everyday made me long to run away. I found it so gross that I barely even talk to him, or look at him. When I reached college, a new world opened its doors, but I was reluctant to step out. I grew up thinking that even being a freshman college was still too young to support oneself. And maybe I was just scared. Scared, not by him, but by being alone.

College was a new way of reinventing oneself. And since I broke up with Lloyd, I was always thought of the shy girl in class, yes, I look at the boys (a lot) but when they look my way, I turn back. And blank. I pretend to not notice them; I pretend to not envy the girls surrounding them, and most of all I pretended that I was still a virgin.

No, I am not a loner. I have friends of course, but they have boyfriends and they go out and party a lot. While my parents stay strict and almost never let me out. Yes, I was living with my parents even during college. The only time that I go to any party at all is when I collaborate with my friends that we will have a sleep over, slash study group slash drinking party. Thankfully I have a friend with a very cool aunt who always backs us up and calls my mom for permission. Actually, my mom is not the problem. She even wanted me to dress up and meet boys. It was my step dad who always protests, and of course, always has the last say.

My random sneaking was going along fine. My friends set me up with their boyfriends’ pals every new party, until I find someone who I feel attracted to, and vise versa. And through these parties that I met Eddy. Eddy was a quiet one and not boastful like most of the guys I meet. That evening was a random rendezvous and we partied all night. He was not a big drinker but what he had under his sleeve blew me away. Or should I say under his pants?

In the middle of the party Eddy and I disappeared from the crowd and he bought me to his friend’s van. When he opened the van’s back door, I saw another couple making out and didn’t even give a hint if they noticed us go in. It was too dark for me to see who they were and Eddy told me to just go to the rear seat as he pushed my ass. I giggled and agreed. Soon as we sat down, he grabbed my neck and kissed my lips, licked them and sucked my tongue. He was fast then I realized he was not quiet and shy after all. I felt his tongue roam in my mouth and teeth. He licked my teeth and wet my lips in circular and slow way. This was so new to me, but I followed him as if I knew how to kiss this way.

He then pulled me closer and I felt his chest pressing my boobs. My nipples were so erect that I long for him to touch me there and remove my bra. I grabbed his hand and guided it to my huge boobs. As he was kissing me, fondling with my nipples, I heard him moan as he squeezed me and squeezed me some more. Finally, he managed to remove my bra and he complimented on how huge and smooth they both were, as I glided my legs to his, hinting that I would like to sit on his lap. In synchronized motion, he then pulled my legs and carried me to his lap. He was all fired up as me. I opened my legs as he was in between them and I glided towards his cock. We were still wearing our pants then but as I rubbed my pussy to his hardness, it was so stiff that it sticks out of his pants. He was kissing my neck as I moved my hands towards his trousers intending to unzip him and relieve his pleasure tool out in the open. He took a deep breath and tucked his stomach in as he grabbed my hand to hold him. With less effort, I inserted my hand in his trousers and held his huge hard cock. It was thin, but v e r y long. It was so long that when I rubbed him it pulled his skin down and he grumbled with pain. He whispered to take it gentler or else he will bite. We both giggled and looked into each others eyes.

In the dark, his eyes glowed like the moonlight hypnotizing me to rub him some more. He unzipped my pants but didn’t pull it off. We were staring at each other seriously as I was giving him a handjob, rubbing my palm in circular motion pulling and pushing his skin and gradually increasing the pace. A few jabs more and he tilted his head back and let me feel my own back fingers rubbing my pussy as I was rubbing him. I was feeling so moist that I almost begged him to take me and fuck me then and there. But he told me to go faster and I felt small amounts of cum oozing to my fingers. He held the back of my neck and pushed my head downwards. I knew what he wanted but I didn’t want that. Well, not yet. So I stopped my hand and his puzzled stare made me terrified. He looked straight into my eyes without emotion and it felt like the longest second of my life. I was speechless and didn’t know what to do. I had the urge to pleasure him but I didn’t feel like having my lips rammed by his extensive cock.

Well, we have to let this out, he said. And I just sat there. The fire in me was suddenly slammed by a big ball of ice as he shoved me to his side and masturbated himself. I said I was sorry but he realizing that I was sincere, started kissing my again, rubbing himself and he held my hand and whispered that I have to make up for it then. So I moved my hand to his cock. He let me finish his duty then he squirted with all might to my shirt and pants. I was wet all over and he was panting, smiling, and sealed his satisfaction with a short kiss.

After I realized how wet I was, I told him that I will definitely smell weird. He said he didn’t seem to find anything wrong with that, as he even asked me to go back in the party with him and grab some beer. I refused. Then he pulled out a bag under the seat. In it were a small black pouch and a box full of white paper cut in small sizes. He opened the pouch and put out some ash-like substance and placed it on one paper. He rolled the paper and said he wanted us to take that instead. I haven’t saw hash before that night and I was intrigued while I watched him make one like that of a cigarette.

As I was observing him, one of my girl friends knocked on the van’s window and whispered my dad was looking for me. I was jilted off my seat and immediately went out the van. My friend said she diverted him so I can have a chance to run home. I gave no second doubts and instantly ran indeed. At the corner of the street, I saw a cab and went home.

I was so tired, intoxicated and still shocked at Eddy and the whole night that I just removed my shirt and pants and dove into my bed. I hugged one pillow and fell asleep soon as my head touched the sheets.