I am a heartless bitch

When they come they get me whole but as they go they take a piece of me away…

That’s what I always felt for years, but not anymore. If you have been reading my previous posts, you’d see they are all way back when I was growing up as a teenager. Now let me zoom to the present before I continue with my past adventures.

When I distanced myself with Kevin, my boyfriend who was 11 years older than me and turned out to be married, I told myself that I’m going to be okay. I was young and I never really loved him anyway. Or maybe I was just denying it to myself. Maybe I really did. I started to doubt what love really meant. And I tried to determine when I do feel this towards somebody. But I fail myself in so many ways. I felt empty. Not heartbroken, not emotional, not satisfied. Just, blank. In fact, in realization, I do not feel anything at all.

Then, there came other boys who lurked around my life and my body. Like unforgettable Lloyd, who, reinvented the word sex for me. Some other boys stayed for a while, some just passed by. And each time one left, I felt they were taking a piece of me with them. And on the brink of falling, of loosing myself completely, I met Eddy.

Eddy turned my world inside out. He has a way with time and power to make it stop. And the world revolved around us. Time was in a capsule and we were its guardians. I went back to question love and my emotions. I said way too often that I love him, but honestly I do not feel it. Or can’t remember (now) when I really did.

His tragic life made me see myself in a better place. Being with him and hearing his melancholic stories of his family and himself, made me relieved in a way. I felt that I was not the most pitiful of souls. I guess growing up with so much pent up emotions made me feel trapped. And when I met him I found my way out. But most importantly, knowing that he needed me, made me feel that I was not alone. So, I made him my mission in life. I promised myself that I would lift his spirit and make him live again. I was determined to pull him out of his shell and see that there is something to smile and laugh about. But as months pass, years came in a flash. And it was thunders that woke me up every morning.

The more I lift him, the more I was unconsciously being pulled down. I didn’t know then, and my mind was so blocked by his radiance, that while he slowly comes to life, he was draining me of mine. He was sucking out the energy in me. And when all my energy was gone, he was bound to get my soul. And I let him. I allowed him to take everything. I saw how he transcended into a new man, head held high, reinvented, renewed. But there I was in the background, lifeless, emotionless. I hear him say how useless, stupid and worthless I was, too often that I actually felt sure to myself that he was right.

He would beat me up and shout at the most minuscule of things that everything was not perfectly done the way he liked it to be. And what he like is what should be. He restricted me from seeing my friends, my family, and myself. He made me think that he was only protecting me and our relationship.
And as the beatings left but only marks to my skin, all the physical and mental abuse have emptied the abyss of my soul. I thought it best to leave. But on every attempt, a deceitful promise of change blinds me. In this, I permitted him take me even deeper. My innocence was taken away, and my crave for pain remained. Yes, I craved for pain, for anything that would make me feel. I wanted to feel at least something, even if it meant pain, just to know if I was still alive.

My physical and mental strength, my energy, my spirit were all drained until all I have left are my thoughts, the last and the only thing he can’t take away from me. My thoughts, who refused to know how to feel. Who, denied emotions to enter and overrule me. That until now, after 5 years, it still clouds me within.

I stopped caring the day I stepped out of my house to go to him. Every emotion after that was superficial. It was the passion of fleeting a dark world that he used to draw me to him. And under the rain, carrying my bags of clothes, I left everything else for him. I later realized that that rain was the last cleansing of my being, preparing my soul to thread the depths of eternal torture.

With a bright sunny day, I finally left him. A kick to my back and bruises to my thighs and arms all in one instance was the last straw. Days, months, years, I was waiting for rain, for a tear to shed for him. But, none. Not even anger, not hatred, not pity. Nothing.

It has been 14 years now since I first held eyes on him. And how I regret the day I let him into my life, and into my soul. I am with somebody now who I know loves me as he loves life. But I feel I’m being unfair, for I refuse to believe and to accept, that such love ever exists. And I am unfair to not love him enough. Frankly, I think I do not feel anything to anyone. No hatred, no fear, no passion. All that is in me is emptiness, soulless, and heartless.

All those men who passed by my way.. Now it’s time to take a piece of them with me… (to be continued…)

So, you think that’s tragic? Err, Happy Ass-mouth-pussy-all-at-the-same-time-Fucking Valentines everyone!!! Don’t forget the condoms!

Goodbye Kevin

Victim: Daisy, the first instance

The few months I spent with Kevin were pure ecstasy. But I soon learned that I was not his only girl. I got a call from another girl who claimed to be his wife. She wanted to meet me and she said he was not only fooling the two of us but a new girl every month. She said Kevin play with girls as a flavor of the month and it will only ruin me if I stayed with him. I wasn’t surprised that he had other girls. He was so handsome, he had a huge tool and could I control someone who was that older than me? I only enjoyed being his princess and making me satisfied with my body that his being exclusively mine was far from my mind. But I didn’t expect that he was married. The so-called wife arranged a meeting with me. And I showed up in my daisy skirt that Kevin gave me. She showed me photos of them and their son proving she was really who she claimed to be. She confronted me but was surprised at how young I was that she didn’t get mad. And I was surprised at how old she was compared to me too. She told me how they met and I sensed how she loved him that she was willing to forgive him. But she also confessed that Kevin knows that she will meet up with me, but not today, and not on that place. She said Kevin threatened to leave her and their kid and take me away and will give up everything just to be with me. Coming from her, that made me proud with my self but felt sorry for her. She wore a plain shirt and jeans, thin and flat-chested. Her hair was a bit unkempt and she had sad weary eyes that seemed either cried the whole night or wide awake for days. She was hardly even someone that I will be jealous of, I thought. And it was enough for me to know that he was willing to give up everything for me. I didn’t challenge that thought though, because I felt sorry for the girl and their kid.

She even said several instances where she doubted he was with other girls. But the places she said, and the instances were so familiar that I knew it was me and it has always been just me. There was no flavor of the month. It was me in changing form as he made me who I am that day I met with his wife.

That night Kevin called me up crying and begging to meet me. He wanted to run away with me. I refused and said I was too young for that. I also said that he should think about what he was doing with himself. He said he did and he chooses me. He said he wanted me, and only me. I gave a little laugh thinking of how his wife cried to me and begged me also. I said I’m doing this for his wife and for himself. I hang up the phone and removed the receiver’s plug. I tried to sleep after that, but what kept me company throughout the night were my tears and the photos that he took of us. The next day I burned them all and hoped that the memories of him will crumble down like ashes and fade with the wind.

Then as I watched the flames burn memories of Kevin and me, I told to myself that there was no happy ever after, there was no love that lasts forever, and there was no such thing as first love that never dies.

You will never forget your first

After that night on the parking lot, Kevin and I saw each other more often. We watched movies over and over even if we have seen it before just to have time for each other. We kissed for minutes after minutes. He touched me in a more hot way. He easily makes me weak and I would always anticipate his fingers in me the moment we sit down in a movie house. I even remove my bra and undies in the ladies room before we settle in our chairs. I let him play with my body in the dark. Until one day as I was quietly enjoying his fingers sliding in me slowly, he introduced me to a new sensation. He said its time for me to feel more but he wants me to tell him if it’s painful. I thought the more pain the more pleasure so I opened my legs wider as he slowly moved in his finger. Then in a moment he slid inside me in a way he never did. It was tighter now and I felt more gratified. It made me a bit dizzy as I asked in a wanting whisper what he was doing and to not stop. He said he’s using two fingers now. It made my eyes wide. How was that possible I thought? Then he asked if I like it. I said nothing and just nodded as my eyes closed with pleasure. Then he said he will add another one but I should tell him if it’s painful. He slid another finger and it was painful indeed. Three fingers rubbed in my tight pussy and after a couple of jabs, I told him it was a bit painful and he stopped. He kissed my lips and removed all his fingers slowly. He then asked me if I could do something for him. He knows I’m weak all over that I would eagerly do anything for him. He unzipped his trousers and let me see how long he is inside. He grabbed my hand and as I was about to reach for him somebody cleared his throat behind him. A man was staring at us with wide eyes. Kevin looked back and whispered to me that we should go to a more private place. A place where it’s only the both of us. I agreed but felt nervous for I never went to any place like that. Though I exactly knew what kind of place he is taking me to.

He drove to a motel almost a half hour away. He told me to not show my face. And as we entered the room, he said we will only rest. But he lay down the bed and called me to lie beside him. I was nervous but I wanted to kiss him so badly. He might have sensed it for without any hesitation moved in closer to me and kissed me. He removed my clothes and removed his, leaving both our underwear in tact. He said it was ok if I refused, and that he will just make me feel him. He opened my legs and pressed his hard cock to my panties. He knew I was wet already and pushed himself harder. He rubbed his long cock to my panties until he felt my pussy lips almost opening. He was kissing me but my full attention was in between our legs. I couldn’t take it anymore and I pulled him to me more as I moved my hips arching to him. His cock was so erect now it peeped outside his briefs. He moved his hips in a way that made his cock fully go out of his briefs as he whispered again that he only wanted me to feel him. And as I open my legs even wider, his cock moved my panties and almost letting his tool move in. He fingered me and soon as he found me so wet he said it will not hurt and begged me to allow him to come in. With only a smile, he moved my undies to the side of my cunt and rammed his huge cock in me. One long hard thump and I gasped for air. He was fully in me then I moved my hips making my pussy walls rub to his skin. He fucked me slow and took me deep. Then he removed his cock from my aching pussy. He said I was so pink and removed the rest of our clothing. He went back in me slowly and I feel myself rip inside as he moved in deeper. It was painful but the sensation was more than I ever expected. His big cock was sliding deep in me fast and goes faster by each second as we both moan in ecstasy. He was on top of me and I felt all his weight inside me. He shoved it deeper and faster until I felt his juices squirt in me. It was all hot and a burning itch came flowing. He was perspiring and he kissed me and laid beside me.

I didn’t felt the sensation I had when he sucked my pussy that night in the car, it was all different. And I felt satisfied that he came. And all his cum was in me. But I was all sore so I rubbed my pussy lips to lessen the pain. I was all swollen but my own rubbings excited me and in a split second I felt my own juices cumin out hot and it made my hand all wet.

Kevin, my first cum

The first time he brought me to a rock concert to meet his friends I wore the pink mini skirt that he bought. It has daisies on it and he loved that and called me his Daisygirl. It made me shy to bend though. I knew that if I do, my pink panties will be seen as well. So in high heeled shoes and low neckline he introduced me to his friends, one hand on my ass, who wooed soon as he said I was his girl. I knew the boys were always staring at my boobs especially when I’m not facing their way. I always catch them trying to pretend they are not looking. And I loved the flattery. I really had big boobs for my age and Kevin was fond of taking pictures of me showing off my boobs in a teasing way.

He was so fond of taking pictures that we sometimes play dress up and he takes photos of me while I dress in front of him. First time I was shy to show him but he promised that nobody will see but the both of us and only when we were together. And he only takes shots that I am comfortable in. He even let me keep the photos.

Kevin was my first in so many things. After the concert, he brought me to a club with his friends and they drank. He said he won’t let me drink because he wants me to remember everything about that night. I thought he was sweet. But as he was a bit tipsy I finally convinced him to let me have my first booze.

I didn’t drink much and I pretended to like the taste, but it was so awful I told him to stop drinking too. He stopped but he said to the group that he was so drunk he wanted to go home and take me home. But when we were in the parking lot, he became ok all of a sudden and laughed saying he was pretending to be drunk so we can go away. He was smart. I asked him if he will really bring me home because I didn’t want to go yet. He sensed that and said. No we will sleep together tonight, he teased.

I yelled “what” in a sarcastic way but dint really protested. He said he has a surprise and he said he hoped I didn’t misinterpret that. We went in the car and without even starting it, he leaned over me and kissed me without saying a word. I wrapped my hands behind his neck as he moved over to my seat and kneeled in between my legs opening them. He moved my skirt up and kneeled to the floor of the car. His chin was now on top of my seat and he looked at me with serious eyes as he let his hands slid to my sides inside my skirt. He pulled my panties down and immediately slammed his finger in my pussy. It was a bit painful but the ache was so strong and delightful at the same time. I grabbed the sides of the chair as he slowly removed his finger. He reminded me of the time in the movie house. And declared that tonight I shall feel how his tongue will give me so much pleasure I would never want to leave him. I was speechless as his face moved closer he said how wet I was already and that’s what he liked most. He then dove into my pussy. His lips to my lips and his hot tongue went in sucking me licking me. He lowered my seat as I lay back. He moved his tongue faster rubbing into my clits. I arched upward reaching his face more and he was losing control. Burying his face, licking me faster, faster, until I couldn’t keep my mouth shut and I moaned and felt my pussy getting more wet and aching for more. He give me one big lick and said “tell me if you feel you’re cumming.” At first I didn’t knew what he meant but I held his hair and pushed his face to my pussy and let him dive in again. The car was shaking as my hips were moving to and fro from his face. I was hearing him moan too as I was squeezing the chair. It felt like eternity and I do not want him to stop. Then, I felt hot liquid spilling out of me I moaned so hard he giggled and said “ohhh there you are my sweet Daisygirl.” I felt sore and tired. And embarrassed. I was sweating despite the cold. He helped me wear back my panties and he wiped off his chair with a tissue. Was that fun? He asked. I smiled, he kissed me, and I could almost taste my own pussy juices. It was sweet indeed. Then I fell asleep in his car.

Exhibitionist

That last subway ride reminded me of my first boyfriend, Kevin. He was 11 years older than me and I was barely starting my teenage years then. I was quite popular for having a college boyfriend. But whatever we did was only between us. Or so I thought.

He loves to fondle me in the dark. He loved it when I suck his finger after he kisses me. It made him kiss me more torridly. We were fond of watching movies and he was always bringing me to the movie house. And it was always dark, and his hands were always never settled. But because I was a minor, we can’t easily go and watch the rated ones. So he bought me clothes and gave me jewelry. I learned to wear make up in an early age and I thought my friends how to. Kevin treated me like a princess, and gave me whatever I want. Even things that I thought I don’t want until I actually had them. All those gifts of course should always have something in return. So I do whatever he tells me to.

One time as we were watching a movie he slid his hands through my knees. I was a bit taken aback as he was just fond of touching my arms neck and boobs while we kiss before. My rule was simple, no touching below the belt. And so I reminded him. But the movie was so boring his attention was fully to me. He whispered that since I said no touching below the belt, he will remove my belt and will remove his as well. He was kissing my neck which he knows weakens me so much that I have to give in. So I let him remove mine and I watched as he removed his. He kissed me torridly on my lips and let me taste his tongue. He sucked my tongue out as well and let me move it as our tongues rub in our mouths. He loved that and kissed my ears and said he will let me experience how it feels to have his tongue below my belt. The mere thought excited me as his fingers move in under my skirt slowly reaching in for my panties. Suddenly, he stopped and with closed eyes, I wanted him not to. He cleared his throat and sat up straight. I asked why, in a yearning soft voice. He said that the man seated in front of us was looking. So I sat straight as well and the man looked back at the screen. After a few minutes he kissed me again and started his way to my legs. I looked at the man in front of us he was not looking so I let Kevin raise my skirt. I closed my eyes as he stopped kissing me but his hand was now inside my panties. He first ran his finger on my cut. Then he slowly slid it in. I gave a short moan and saw the eyes of the man in front of us looking in between the seats. I didn’t tell Kevin coz I enjoyed the moment so much I lost contact with words. He slowly rubbed me inside and I felt my pussy get wet and a bit sticky. Kevin kissed me again as he sucked my tongue he let his other hand stroke inside my shirt and reached for my boobs and nipple. I felt my hips arch for him as he went deeper and he moaned to my ear as I opened my legs wider. Hearing his moan made me feel more wet inside. Now his hand was going faster rubbing my pussy walls as I tighten it. I looked again at the man in front of us and his eyes were almost closing. I knew he was masturbating as his chair was a bit shaking. So I let my tongue out and licked Kevin’s neck while I look at the eyes peeping at us. Kevin slowly grabbed my hand and led me to his trousers. I didn’t hesitate to grab him. It was the first time I will hold it and I can’t wait to feel how hard it was. I was about to go inside his briefs when the chair in front of us creaked loudly. Kevin stopped and lowered my skirt to cover my legs. He sat straight and looked at the man frowning. He told me that we should change seats. So we stood up and went to the other side of the movie room. I was right. He was masturbating; Kevin claimed he saw his cock out of his zippers.

We left soon as the movie was over and he apologized if he ever made me embarrassed or even hurt me. I said it didn’t hurt, nor embarrassed me. But I didn’t tell Kevin that the thought of somebody watching us made it more pleasurable.