Thursday, February 14, 2008

I am a heartless bitch

When they come they get me whole but as they go they take a piece of me away…

That’s what I always felt for years, but not anymore. If you have been reading my previous posts, you’d see they are all way back when I was growing up as a teenager. Now let me zoom to the present before I continue with my past adventures.

When I distanced myself with Kevin, my boyfriend who was 11 years older than me and turned out to be married, I told myself that I’m going to be okay. I was young and I never really loved him anyway. Or maybe I was just denying it to myself. Maybe I really did. I started to doubt what love really meant. And I tried to determine when I do feel this towards somebody. But I fail myself in so many ways. I felt empty. Not heartbroken, not emotional, not satisfied. Just, blank. In fact, in realization, I do not feel anything at all.

Then, there came other boys who lurked around my life and my body. Like unforgettable Lloyd, who, reinvented the word sex for me. Some other boys stayed for a while, some just passed by. And each time one left, I felt they were taking a piece of me with them. And on the brink of falling, of loosing myself completely, I met Eddy.

Eddy turned my world inside out. He has a way with time and power to make it stop. And the world revolved around us. Time was in a capsule and we were its guardians. I went back to question love and my emotions. I said way too often that I love him, but honestly I do not feel it. Or can’t remember (now) when I really did.

His tragic life made me see myself in a better place. Being with him and hearing his melancholic stories of his family and himself, made me relieved in a way. I felt that I was not the most pitiful of souls. I guess growing up with so much pent up emotions made me feel trapped. And when I met him I found my way out. But most importantly, knowing that he needed me, made me feel that I was not alone. So, I made him my mission in life. I promised myself that I would lift his spirit and make him live again. I was determined to pull him out of his shell and see that there is something to smile and laugh about. But as months pass, years came in a flash. And it was thunders that woke me up every morning.

The more I lift him, the more I was unconsciously being pulled down. I didn’t know then, and my mind was so blocked by his radiance, that while he slowly comes to life, he was draining me of mine. He was sucking out the energy in me. And when all my energy was gone, he was bound to get my soul. And I let him. I allowed him to take everything. I saw how he transcended into a new man, head held high, reinvented, renewed. But there I was in the background, lifeless, emotionless. I hear him say how useless, stupid and worthless I was, too often that I actually felt sure to myself that he was right.

He would beat me up and shout at the most minuscule of things that everything was not perfectly done the way he liked it to be. And what he like is what should be. He restricted me from seeing my friends, my family, and myself. He made me think that he was only protecting me and our relationship.
And as the beatings left but only marks to my skin, all the physical and mental abuse have emptied the abyss of my soul. I thought it best to leave. But on every attempt, a deceitful promise of change blinds me. In this, I permitted him take me even deeper. My innocence was taken away, and my crave for pain remained. Yes, I craved for pain, for anything that would make me feel. I wanted to feel at least something, even if it meant pain, just to know if I was still alive.

My physical and mental strength, my energy, my spirit were all drained until all I have left are my thoughts, the last and the only thing he can’t take away from me. My thoughts, who refused to know how to feel. Who, denied emotions to enter and overrule me. That until now, after 5 years, it still clouds me within.

I stopped caring the day I stepped out of my house to go to him. Every emotion after that was superficial. It was the passion of fleeting a dark world that he used to draw me to him. And under the rain, carrying my bags of clothes, I left everything else for him. I later realized that that rain was the last cleansing of my being, preparing my soul to thread the depths of eternal torture.

With a bright sunny day, I finally left him. A kick to my back and bruises to my thighs and arms all in one instance was the last straw. Days, months, years, I was waiting for rain, for a tear to shed for him. But, none. Not even anger, not hatred, not pity. Nothing.

It has been 14 years now since I first held eyes on him. And how I regret the day I let him into my life, and into my soul. I am with somebody now who I know loves me as he loves life. But I feel I’m being unfair, for I refuse to believe and to accept, that such love ever exists. And I am unfair to not love him enough. Frankly, I think I do not feel anything to anyone. No hatred, no fear, no passion. All that is in me is emptiness, soulless, and heartless.

All those men who passed by my way.. Now it’s time to take a piece of them with me… (to be continued…)

So, you think that’s tragic? Err, Happy Ass-mouth-pussy-all-at-the-same-time-Fucking Valentines everyone!!! Don’t forget the condoms!

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Sunday, February 3, 2008

Step-Daddy’s Little Girl (Part II)

Cumming Home

I always lock the door of my room when I sleep. But that night from the party, my mind was still floating with Eddy, his mysterious ways that seemed so new to me, drawing me more to him, letting him linger in my head, that I recklessly forgot to lock my door.

There I was sleeping, a pillow in between my arms and legs, my back facing the door, and half naked. I lost track of time when I dreamed that step-dad was in my room. He went in discreetly, picked up my clothes from the floor and looked at them; investigating. He then placed them on the chair next to my bed walked towards my lamp, turned the lights out and closed the door.

Half asleep I dreamt he was standing next to my bed, looking at my back, eyes rolling from my hair down to my toes, as I heard him unzip his trousers. A slight clink buzzed in the room as his metal belt hit the wooden floor. I was not scared but I was uneasy. I pretended to move involuntarily and got the blanket I am lying on to cover my naked back.

I heard a slight moan and smelled an echoing lull of liquor, more intoxicating than beer. I crossed my legs under the blanket and squeezed my pussy tight for a second or two then let go, and tightened it once more and released again. I repeated this until I heard myself breathing deep each time. I was perspiring as I felt the fire build up in me. I hear the moan once again, this time making me almost reach my ecstasy. I bit my lip preventing myself from moaning back as mixtures of flashbacks come to my mind. I see Eddy masturbating in front of me, I see my step dad doing the same behind me, I see myself fingering in front of Lloyd, and the stranger looking at Kevin and me in the movie house. I see the strangers I met in the subway, in the bus all making me cum in a discreet but exhilarating way. Then I exploded! My juices oozed out of my panties wetting my inner legs. I catch my breath, carefully controlling my panting, closing my eyes tight and pretending to sleep.

I woke up in the morning light beaming to my face. I felt cold beneath my blanket and as I looked in, I was shocked to see that my bra is missing. Although I was wearing my panties, it still made my heart race with the thought of what happened last night. Was it all a dream? Was he really in my room? Did I really do what I did? Or worse, did we do more than what I remember? I only had one thing sure though, Eddy. Yes, Eddy…

I took a long shower thinking of all the things that happened the night before, striving, forcing myself to remember every detail as possible. I scrubbed my body so long and hard to make sure all the scent goes away. But I can still smell Eddy’s cum lingering in the bathroom. Or was it only his cum that I smell? The thought gave me the shivers.

At breakfast I didn’t saw my step-dad on his favorite chair. He was not even in the kitchen. According to Mom, he was up all night looking for me that he ended up drinking with his friends. Mom was so furious with me for sneaking up on them, especially her. The moment I heard her say that, my heart pounded. I feel I betrayed my mom. Not by sneaking to a party, but thinking of her husband masturbating behind me. But I didn’t want that! But then again, I didn’t make him stop, to the point of gratifying myself as well. I was debating in my head that I even do not know if it was true or not.

I barely touched my food as I lost appetite. I was hearing my mom speaking, but the words didn’t get to me. I saw her lips move but I didn’t understand what she was saying. I felt that I would faint. I felt dizzy and all cold inside. I was in the brink of blacking out when a cup of coffee was placed in front of me. It was him! He gave me coffee and whispered that we both should promise Mom not to do that again.

I was all pale. Do what? Did we do something? Together? And what did Mom knew? What was he talking about? Think Daisy! Think!

A knock woke me out of my senses. I was still in the shower, staring blankly to the wall as cold water slide down my body. It was Mom knocking on the door. She said she will go to work now and Dad will come along. She said she will talk to me tonight, so I better not go to any party again. She knocked on my bathroom door again. Daisy! Are you hearing me?

Yes Mom. I won’t go anywhere tonight.

Then she left. And I heard the car drive away.

After the shower, I went back to sleep. I need to sleep this all off.

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